Just for Parents

Parents of lesbian, gay, bisexual transgender, questioning or intersex (LGBTQI) youth are special people.  Whether you know nothing about the LGBTQI community or you’ve been involved with PFLAG (an organization just for parents of LGBTQI folks) for years, you probably have a lot of emotions and a lot of questions!

I intend my answers to be helpful to you.  However, they are not a substitute for therapy, a doctor, a health care professional, or your own common sense.

I am a professional psychotherapist who does a lot of work with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth and their families.  If you’re interested in having your child see me for psychotherapy, please contact me.  I’m happy to answer any questions you might have.

My child just told me he or she is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. What do I do?
In coming out to you, your child has displayed an amazing amount of trust, love and confidence in you. Much of our society condemns non-straight identities. You may experience feelings of grief or confusion that you have “lost” the child you knew.  While your image of your child may have to change, your child is still the kid you love.  Your love and acceptance is very important to the health of your child: LGBTQ children who are rejected by their parents are at a higher risk for drug and alcohol use as well as suicide.

I strongly recommend that families find support and information.  This page is a good start.  It can be very helpful to find a support group such as those that PFLAG offers across the country.  Start by reading their excellent brochure: Our Daughters and Sons:  Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People. If your child is saying that he/she is transgender (identifies with a gender that wasn’t the one that he or she was born with, see this amazing page at Transyouth Family Allies.)  The parents I’ve heard from at PFLAG meetings report a great feeling of relief when they realize they are not the only parents with an LGBTQ kid and they are not alone in their fears, hopes and concerns.

If you or anyone in your family is experiencing a lot of distress or would just like some extra support, you might consider finding a counselor.

If my child sees you in therapy, will you try to make them straight or gay?
No.  This is something a lot of people worry about! The most important thing to me is that my clients get clearer and more comfortable with what feels right for them.  It is never my goal to “convince” a client that they have any particular sexual or gender orientation.  I don’t believe that sexual or gender orientation can be changed, and I think that it can harm clients when therapists try to change them.  I believe that every client deserves to learn to know themselves better and like themselves more.  And, that’s what I do best!
Are there any books I could read or movies I could see?
There are so many books and movies that you could get overwhelmed! There is a lot out there that shows the tragic life of LGBTQI people but don’t let that scare you. Here is a short list of books & movies that some have found helpful.

Books:

  • Mom, Dad, I’m Gay: How Families Negotiate Coming Out by Ritch Savin-Williams.
  • Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians and Gays Talk about Their Experience by Carolyn Griffith and Marian Wirth
  • Straight Parents, Gay Children by Robert Bernstein
  • Mom, I Need to be a Girl by Just Evelyn A parent’s account of raising an transgender youth.
  • True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Families, Friends, Co-Workers and Helping Professionals. Mildred Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley.
  • The Transgender Child: A Handbook for Families and Professionals.  Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper

Movies & Shows

  • Will & Grace
  • Torch Song Trilogy
  • The Ellen Show
  • My Beautiful Launderette
  • Before Stonewall and After Stonewall (documentaries)
  • Fried Green Tomatoes
  • Transamerica is an amazing transgender-positive film.
  • Ma Vie en Rose (My Life in Pink) — a sensitive and lovely movie about a transgender young person.
  • Tales of the City
Why do LGBTQ people tell others about their orientation?
According to the American Psychological Association, telling others about a gender or sexual orientations or “coming out”  is essential for good mental health for LGBTQ people. The more they can have positive experiences in relationship to their sexual or gender orientation, the better chance they have of high self-esteem and good mental health.
What do all these words and letters mean?
See this great glossary!
What is the difference between gender orientation and sexual orientation?
Gender orientation (or identity) is not the same as sexual orientation (or identity).  Gender orientation is how a person understands his or her own expression of masculinity or femininity.  We all embody some of each characteristics.  However, transgender or transsexual people understand their gender identity to be different from the sex they were born with.  This means, for example, that a person born female understands themselves to be a man.

Sexual orientation is how a person understands his or her sexual and romantic attractions.  Sexual orientation covers such identities as straight, gay, lesbian and bisexual.


Can my child change his or her gender or sexual identity?
No, gender and sexual identity are not identities that can be changed by therapy, forcing certain behaviors or forbidding others.  Some therapists offer “reparative” therapy and claim they can make people become straight or more “normal” in their gender expression.  This has been shown by multiple studies to be harmful to the person and is condemned by such organizations as the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Want to know more?  I offer a free, 30 minute consultation.  Contact me at jlpeta@gmail.com or 720.318.8018 to make an appointment